Opening Up to Open Relationships

Why is Marriage Such a Big Deal?

While marriage can be a beautiful state for some, the concept of ownership does not work for most. A woman can have a man who loves her unconditionally and she will still not be satisfied until he makes the declaration in front of her family and friends that yes, she IS worth being loved.  She sees this silly celebration as a defining moment, caring more about the wedding than working on the relationship.  When a woman already knows her man loves her and they are getting along, she sees no need to rock the boat for a rock.   
When women claim it's because "God says so", does He want her to simply marry, or to be happy in an honest, loving, truthful union?  Does her man share her religious views? If not, then she'd better find someone equally yoked and stop wasting both of their lives together.  
Many women say they need to "know where we're going" as if marriage determines that.  Is marriage the beginning of a beautiful life together, or the end of the pretending, the end of wondering if he's actually going to realize that she isn't as great as the facade she wears daily?  If things are going smoothly, instead of enjoying each moment, they are looking for a touchdown on a basketball court; seeking the wrong outcome for the game.  If there is trouble in the relationship, they view marriage as a great panacea, but it doesn't work like that. 
It's common to see people who have been together for many years without marriage end up divorcing when they do decide to tie the knot because they suddenly feel trapped.  People are not animals for cages and many women feel a need to "own" their man, tying the knot around his neck, the noose that will slowly suffocate him.  The wedding ring is the leash that says "You're mine, so I have rights to every part of your life," and most are rightfully uninterested in that. Many men, and now some progressive women are recognizing and acknowledging that perhaps this institution of marriage has us institutionalized, going mad in the asylum of monogamy, crazy in the house of undying commitment, insane in the prison of love’s perpetuity.  A closer examination into our current construct will open the mind to possibilities better suited to our social situations such as what are called “open relationships.”


Open Relationships Are Already Here


Open relationships are not based in sex, but based in truth, honesty, and mutual respect. Jealousy and insecurity result from misunderstanding and deception.  Removing the uncertainty and doubt creates a healthier environment for everyone.  The freedom in being open to see other people may make some stay closer together. The “friends with benefits” paradigm is the most common type of open relationship and starts with good intentions, but often ends in hurt feelings when someone misunderstands the situation, seeks more than was initially agreed upon, or one party recognizes that the other will be hurt with the truth and starts lying.   Multi-partnered relationships are already common in the Black community.  We’re familiar with the terms side piece, side chick, matey, gyal pon de side, amongst others. The wife is usually Wifey or Main.  Let's not pretend that these situations are anomalies and find ways to make them work best for those involved.

Here are a few examples of functioning open relationships:


Scenario #1 

Latrell and Kevin are in a long-distance relationship.  She’s away at school; he’s got the dream job.  She’s not ready to move yet.  They visit each other often and speak daily about everything that’s going on, including dates. Kevin has a lady friend he’s seeing more regularly and Latrell has two gentlemen who enjoy her company.  Both are honest with the people they are seeing as well as with each other.  They love each other enough not to keep secrets, not to deny the other an opportunity to enjoy the company of the opposite sex.  They harbor no animosity for “making me wait” or feelings of guilt resulting from deception.  When it is time to come together, they are stronger knowing there were no secrets, continuing in the way of honesty and respect.

Scenario #2

Tony and Indira have been together five years and find that sex and their dog are the most they have in common.  They don’t want to give up either, so they continue to live together as roommates and date other people.  Removing the tie of a conventional relationship allows them to grow closer, appreciating other qualities in eachother, and makes a happier home for Rocky the Rottweiler. 

These are simple versions of an open relationship, but there are more complex ones that work for the parties involved:

Scenario 3:
LaToya, a young college girl with a full load of classes, can’t find a part-time job in this economy, and she meets Hakim who offers her a good time and assistance with her car insurance and cell phone bill. Hakim’s wifey Kerry-Ann works and takes care of their two kids.  She is seldom sexually aroused by Hakim these days.  She is annoyed with his constant neediness and they haven’t found as much in common as they used to when they were young.  They don’t argue, they just have grown apart, but he is a good father to his children.  She is career driven, but also enjoys being a mother. Being a full-time wife seems more a burden than a benefit in her life.   She would rather take vacations with her friends than him.  
Hakim introduces Kerry-Ann to LaToya and they get along well.  (A man often finds another woman who embodies the qualities and traits he enjoys in his Main.)  Now, when Hakim is ready for some loving, LaToya is available, freeing up Kerry-Ann’s evenings for time with the kids, gossiping with her friends, or Love and HipHop.  When one of the kids are sick, LaToya can pick them up from school and sit with them between classes or until Kerry-Ann gets off of work.  LaToya can come grab a home cooked meal at the house and leave for the evening with Hakim.  This relationship can carry on until LaToya or Hakim tire of eachother.  Hakim and Kerry-Ann get along better when her need to be left alone and his need for companionship are met. 

Scenario 4:

Darius and his son’s mother Monica do not want to be in a relationship any longer.  He loves their son Malik but doesn’t make enough money to support his household and hers separately.  He is very handy and makes a decent living doing odd jobs.  Monica works a menial job but wants to be an at-home mom; certainly she cannot afford that.  Shirlene and Darius have been seeing eachother, and she is financially stable, but not interested in having any children.  She adores Malik and is happy to have him apart of her life.

Darius, Shirlene, Monica, and Malik move into a house together.  Monica takes care of Malik and has no physical relationship with Darius.  Shirlene and Darius are intimate and enjoy a full house with his son’s mother.  Shirlene enjoys taking care of her child full time while keeping his father in his daily life and having the support of another woman when she gets frustrated. Monica gets to enjoy a child who is not hers without stepping on toes. Family meals together are happy and comfortable as everyone gets along, creating a safe and stable situation for Malik. 

These are only a few possible scenarios where an open and honest relationship lays the foundation for better communication and more fair treatment.    It may be hard for many to swallow as these don’t conform to the  ideal standard presented by society and pop culture.  We are trained to be monogamous while living polygamous lifestyles though always in secret.  When the truth comes out, feelings are hurt, people feel slighted, and relationships end that could have otherwise been worked out.  
The major hurdle many must overcome is the "shame" in not partaking in a conventional, albeit unsuccessful, relationship.  The only people who have to concern themselves with the details and parameters of a relationship are those involved.  What functions for some is dysfunction for another.  The concept of having an open relationship where all parties are honest is novel, and yet something everyone seeks. Perhaps creating a set of circumstances that allows for truth and openness will provide the quality of relationships that is so commonly desired.  Just as marriage is not for everyone, neither are open relationships.   My only advice is to explore the possibilities and see what works for you and your partner.  An open conversation with love, understanding and consideration is the first step.